Catch-Up

I feel like I’ve been away for some time, but looking back I have been posting off and on. Almost four weeks since mom passed and I just don’t feel like I’ve gotten back in the saddle yet. Feel a little adrift still, but I’m sure time will take care of that. It comes and goes. Odd things these crazy emotions! Hits at strange times, passed the efferdent in the store yesterday and I started to cry. It was the last thing I bought for her.

Mom was a little ‘enmeshed’, as the counselor’s would say, with me. So we had a difficult relationship. She was hanging on for dear life and I was always pushing away. Very sad really as we both loved each other a great deal. I just came across a statement recently that when someone makes you the person responsible for their happiness it always destroys the relationship. That pretty much sums it up for us. So on reflection I guess we did pretty well actually in keeping it together all these years and being able to keep mom at home until the end. I’m very thankful that I was with her when she passed. And I will chose not to ‘regret’ what wasn’t.

The hospice girls that helped me keep mom at home these last two years are THE BEST! They became family to us and Yvonne, mom’s favorite, made it to be with us when mom passed. Don’t know what I would have done without her there! We are all going to keep in touch. Having lunch with Yvonne next week.

It still feels odd to have this much freedom to go and do whatever! Hubby took me to the kids house for 3 days this last week. Passed this on the road…

Wonder if my meal would be free?

We had a nice visit…

Made Halloween cookies

Went to the used book store

Biting the Moon – Martha Grimes
Death Turns the Tables – J.D. Carr
The Princess and the Goblin-George MacDonald
Mr. Pinkerton has the clue-David Frome
The Franchise Affair – Josephine Tey
The Moonflower Vine -Jetta Carleton
The Pursuit of Love & Love in a Cold Climate by Nancy Mitford 
The Black Dudley Murder – Margery Allingham

and two old kids books from the 1950’s by Troy Nesbit

Heliotope in my daughter-in-law’s garden

Went to the Greencastle Coffee Roasters and I got some loose Rooibos tea and flavored coffee. Also stopped at a couple antique stores and I got a really nice old Ball jar to keep my tea in and a sweet little bowl. Not to mention the fine wooden rolling pin I found too!

So life goes on, but Mom will always be with us and not forgotten. Every time I sit in her chair to read she’s with me in spirit and actually on her bookcase next to me!

I brought her chair and bookcase home with me. The gold box on the bookcase is mom’s remains. We will eventually be burying her in Tennessee next to her parents, but for now it makes me feel good to have her right here with me! Maybe I’m crazy! I have a couple pics of her laughing and making silly there too, to remind me of better times.

No date on the photo though:(

Now back to business, reviews coming this week. The read-a-thon helped me get back in the reading groove.

Peggy Ann

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12 thoughts on “Catch-Up

  1. I think you are describing a normal grieving process…ups and downs…highs and lows…yor mom's Efferdent…my dad's last bag of soft rolls…you just never know what will cause tears…love the books and I think you should have tried getting a free lunch ( or at least half priced ) at Peggy's!

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  2. I agree with Patty, what you are going through sounds like normal grieving and it takes a long time. It just takes a while to adjust and you were so much a part of your mother's care. I remember when my father died, after I returned to California, I just felt “off” and fatigued all the time, not the feelings that I associated with grief. Since he had had dementia for so many years, and was in another state, and my mother handled all his care, I thought I had already done my grieving before he died. We did not have a long association with hospice, but the hospice nurses that were there at the end were wonderful. Amazing that they have such a good understanding of what the family needs.

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  3. Lovely photos Peggy and what a great book haul. I'm so glad that you're able to look back on your relationship with your mother in such a sensible way. As an old friend of mine always said – I am not perfect, and I should not expect others to be perfect.

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  4. You know Tracy, I have been so tired too! I'm taking naps I never did before and sleeping better at night, I think. It's a lot of pressure off of me now too and that probably has something to do with it. It will take awhile to process all the emotions. There certainly are a lot of conflicting ones!

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  5. Well said Katrina! I was so afraid that I would not be able to let it go and forgive her but it wasn't really even there in the end, the unforgiveness I mean. I think it was just frustration in the end.

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